Junior Masterchef recaps – Weeks 1 to 5

See all my Junior Masterchef recapshere.

One day in Singapore – A true story

One day, I was standing in a street in Singapore. It was a warm winter’s day, apparently, the humidity hanging in the air like a teenager at a mall with bad skin. The teenager that is, not the mall. Barely a soul could be seen on the streets even though it was after nine in the morning. Whether the inhabitants had been out all night at a party, or whether it was just the way of Singapore to sleep in, I don’t know. What I do know is that it was quiet on the streets of Singapore that day.

Which made it strange that I didn’t notice the wizened, bent over, crinkle cut old woman (actually that’s unfair, because she was probably only middle aged) that came rambling towards me, pushing her cleaning cart, until she was uncomfortably close. She looked up at me (because I was taller than her, obviously), squinting from the harsh rays of the mid morning sun. Her mouth was open, her teeth jagged, like tiny little mountain peaks, a haven for sub atomic mountain goats and under achieving rock climbers.

“Excuse me” she said, in a way that suggested she was apologising for ruining my day by talking to me, which was to her credit. I ignored her, suspecting that she wanted something from me that I was not willing to give. “Excuse me” she repeated herself, somewhat unecessarily, because I’d heard her the first time, though the fact I had ignored her may have had something to do with her decision to restate the words. “Excuse me” she insisted, which really was beyond the pale, as my silence so far really should have been an indication to her that I was either (a) deaf, (b) mute, or (c) rude. “Yes” I snapped, annoyed that this small mound of a person should deign to interrupt my thoughts with her incessant requests for permission to interrupt. “Are you Eric Stoltz?” she said.

My heart melted. This sweet, compact, bundle of a woman had mistaken me for one of nature’s greatest actors. ‘Some Kind of Wonderful’, ‘Pulp Fiction’, ‘Mask’. Well, not ‘Mask’. Who’d want to look like that? ‘Chicago Hope’, ‘Anaconda’, and many more. Not that I can think of any more. I’m sure there were others, though apparently none were that memorable.

But that didn’t detract from the sheer joy of being compared with a man who may or may not have been voted sexiest man alive 17 years straight. That didn’t take any pleasure away from being compared to the actor who Laurence Olivier may or may not have referred to as a red headed wunderkind of the acting world. And that didn’t reduce the electric thrill I got from someone recognising my richly deserved celebrity, even if they really didn’t and it wasn’t really mine.

However, like the Romans nailing Jesus Christ to a whopping great cross, all good things must come to an end. “No”, I replied. Her face fell, an indication that plastic surgeons in Singapore were performing sub standard work at the time. She picked it up and put it back in place, which was a measure of her stoicism, as well as a little bit disgusting.

She turned to leave, the disappointment weighing her down. I opened my mouth to call to her, to offer her solice. But I realised that there was nothing I could say, save that, yes, I really was Eric Stoltz. But of course, that would have been a lie. And “Charlie don’t surf damnit!” Though they probably do lie.

As she limped off, I barely noticed her slip the hand cuffs and taser back into her cleaning cart.

Masterchef – Weeks 1 to 4

Oh, didn’t you know? That’s right, I now do weekly recaps for Masterchef. For your edification, please see:

Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Week 4

Byeee!

Biggest Loser Families – This is the end

You can read recaps for the last three weeks of Biggest Loser Families as directed below:

Biggest Loser Families – Week 12
Biggest Loser Families – Week 13
Biggest Loser Families – The End

Or, if you want to read every single recap in one marathon sitting, click on here.

And if you don’t, Osama bin Laden is bound to come back to life!

Jesus regrets hasty decision

As we swathe ourselves in the choclatey velvetness that is Easter, we should all stop and reflect on the man who made all this possible. I’m talking about the man who sacrificed his life so that we could … well keep doing what we always had. That was quite a desperate act. Did he think it through?

Jesus: “I am allowing myself to be tortured and murdered so that all your sins may be forgiven.”

Bloke 1: “Ah, thanks Jesus. Wow! We’re kind of speechless.”

Bloke 2: “Are you sure about this buddy? I mean, to be honest with you, I am going to keep on sinning irregardless. Not that I don’t appreciate your efforts of course. Just seems a bit severe. Don’t get me wrong. From now on I’m going to spend and hour a week thinking about you. It’s just that I kind of like sinning.”

Jesus: “Oh! Oh, I didn’t … It’s probably too …”

Bloke 1: “Actually Jesus, I think it’s a little bit weird. You know, getting yourself nailed to a cross and all. If I was going to die for mankind’s sins, I’d probably try and go out in style. You know, like strap some burning bushes to your body and run screaming into an assembly of Roman Senators. Or catch syphilis from some hot tottie. Ha ha ha ha! ”

Bloke 2: “For sure. Maybe something like trying to eat a plague of locusts until your stomach bursts. Or being bitten on the todger by an asp so that it swells up to ten times it’s size. You may die, but at least you’d have the biggest dick in town for a few minutes.”

Bloke 1: “Oh that is so cool. Man, we’d make much better messiahs, don’t you think?”

Jesus: “Look, do you two knuckleheads want to take your comedy routine somewhere else? I’m busy dying up here.”

Bloke 1: “Oh, sorry Jesus. Yeah no worries mate. Come on Peter, lets head into town for some beers and strippers. Because we can now that Jesus has had himself nailed to a cross.”

Bloke 2: “Ah yeah. I keep forgetting that I can now do all the things I used to do because Jesus is up there on the cross bleeding all over the place. See ya Jesus. Happy Easter.”

Bloke 1: “Yeah, see you later J man. Or not. Probably not in fact. Not unless you can raise yourself from the dead. Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Bloke 2: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Bloke 1: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Jesus: “Dickheads.”

Biggest Loser Families – Weeks 10 and 11

Better late than never I guess. You, on the other hand, may think differently.

Biggest Loser Families – Week 10

Biggest Loser Families – Week 11

Biggest Loser Families – Week 9

Go for it.

Biggest Loser Families – Week 9 (The Quickening)

Biggest Loser Families – Week 8

Get it here:

Biggest Loser Families – Week 8

Biggest Loser Families

Get it now, get it fresh.

Biggest Loser Families – Week 7

Biggest Loser Families

Yes, I keep writing these recaps. Here’s the latest.

Week 6